The Rich Vegetarian

Last year was tumultuous on many levels. Even as we sprang into action, doing everything we could to keep things afloat, even as it became clear (to me) that it was simply a matter of time before Time collected its dues from us, even as I mourned our collective loss… I didn’t suffer. And it feels a bit awkward saying this. But I realized that it’s possible for someone to experience deep exhaustion, grief, frustration et al. without also feeling suffering. The secret, I think, lies in the lack of a “why” at the center of it all. I questioned nothing. Instead I responded as best as I was able to, sans expectations.

It was so clear to me that our timelines are wholly our own even as they remain mysterious to everyone else. I once heard Gurudev remark, “God laughs on two occasions. First, when a man says, this land is mine. Second, when a doctor says, I will save your life.” 

First we drop the question, and then eventually “we” are dropped, i.e. the questioner is dissolved. And perhaps, that signals the end of suffering. In theory, all suffering requires a “sufferer,” and when one has surrendered one’s will to a larger, invisible idea or Force or presence, one is free. Free to experience whatever comes one’s way, sans questions or expectations. And thus we are free of the doer, the sufferer, the questioner, the karma.

A lot of time has passed, much water has flown under the bridge. To quote an old cliché—the more things change, the more they remain the same. Perhaps, what that quote means is that as things (events, people, objects, etc.) rearrange around you, the YOU is revealed as it is. Not an inviolable personality but a blank space, perhaps? One that is constantly and continually written on, projected upon. And perhaps, we’d all be happier for these projections to continue unabated, as they are. Sans resistance or explanation or defense. Because space can never be colonized or conquered or altered.

All lofty, esoteric words as we grapple with the everyday angst of health and job (all hail AI) stress, family drama, political intrigue, war… And yet I know not what else to do. I am a bit of a dreamer, and I have ample time and space to do just that. Weave pretty prose, impress upon the listening audience my felicity with language, leave them seemingly wowed, feel like an imposter, exit scene feeling a bit sheepish.

In other news, grief still wells up, nearly on a daily basis. It isn’t unannounced, though. I can sense it rising, and there is a brief tussle—let it come, push it away? Of course, I don’t do the latter. It shows up, does its thing for a few minutes, leaves, leaving behind peace and quiet. So, I let it do its thing, although I still, still wonder—oh, wow, you are still here. I don’t resent your presence but yes, I am still surprised. Well, what did I expect, what did I know?

(Hope to write here more often as I somewhat retire (last words, ha?!) from the dreary worlds of social media. This space (or its earlier version) is where I began life writing, and it’s fitting that it’s still waiting for me.)

What’s the difference between the two? (I’d thought I’d title this post “Social,” and then “Sociable” cropped up in my mind.)

Recently, I found myself at a social gathering. It was a potluck event hosted by my yoga teacher at his studio, and all students were invited. I went with my husband (also a student) and we arrived late, thanks to traffic and a prior commitment that ran late. You know, there’s that strange awkwardness that alights upon you as you enter a roomful of strangers… in this case, not everyone was a stranger but there weren’t many/any friends either. I found myself sitting, waiting. Didn’t feel up to eating, so I was stuck in a bit of an awkward space.

(Later, I was reminded of my childhood when similar shyness prevailed. I was too shy to go talk to other kids and no one came to speak with me.)

It’s a funny situation, as I was recounting to my husband. This type of social awkwardness is not an adult experience, is it? I’d imagine that a well-functioning adult has already figured out how to navigate such environments. Well, I did have a brief period where I (seemingly) didn’t suffer from the shyness condition. This was the Art of Living phase where I was confidently striding into rooms and halls, secure in my role as an instructor/volunteer. Now, I find myself in the same rooms and halls, a bit unsure about my new role (or lack thereof), not so confident, not striding.

My husband assures me that the confident phase may very well return, and I may find myself again, striding into halls, etc. I think this is a good reminder of how NOT to take oneself (meaning, one’s personality) seriously at all. While it may not change like the weather (although I often feel that mine does), it can certainly alter with “kaala” and “desha,” or time and place. Perhaps this simply means that the personality is as flimsy as air, or ether, and as malleable/changeable, as fleeting, as vaporous.

Nothing remotely esoteric about this post, contrary to what one might assume from the title, haha.

A dear family friend remarked, “Why don’t you fly business class? You can afford it, right?” I was visiting India, and we were sharing stories about flights and airports and like. The truth is, yes, I can afford to fly to India in business class. The truth, also, is that I have never done it. We generally fly economy or economy comfort (a slightly more comfortable option). I didn’t have a good answer for my friend at the time but now, I do.

Old values die hard.

I cannot get past the sticker shock of business class. Also, I am unused to the idea of paying good money for comfort. Yes, we do pay good money for comfort in many aspects of our life but sometimes “good” feels a bit too steep for my comfort. Of course, all of this is totally subjective, and I also feel that there’s a bit of “not knowing the good stuff” here, for if I really knew how comfortable flying business class is AND how much it would alleviate all the Vata aggravation I experience while flying… it’d be a no-brainer, I presume. However, until that happens, I am stuck in coach!