The Rich Vegetarian

An Examined Life

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Category: This and That (page 1 of 290)

Invisible

These days, it seems like I am tending to borderline invisibility.

My boundary (L-A-K-S-H-M-I) seems to be wearing thin. If I don’t hold myself together, I feel like pieces of me may float right out into the ether. This isn’t about incoherence or feeling spacey. It is a disconnect from the public facing identity that, in my case, is always on the point of breaking away. It is a veneer that is dangerously see-through. Sometimes, it is misleading/ambiguous (not intentionally).

There are the people with strong, healthy, defined egos. They are independent, seeking no validation whatsoever. Then there are the unhealthy ones that feed off others for survival, like vampires. Then there are the in-betweens, like me. It is a thin veil, and there is little motivation to keep it intact. There is little attachment between the inner layer and the outer apparel, so it feels effortless to ditch the outerwear and float off.

Community – Yes, No

“Ahh, it’s that time of the year when it’s all about community.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, just look at Facebook. All those pictures from Garba, Navaratri, Durga Puja, etc… Everyone’s part of some community. A religious one, or a spiritual one, a cultural group, a social organization.”

“Ok.”

“But I am not part of a community.”

“Sure, you are.”

“No, I am not. I am connected to individuals but I am not part of a community.”

“That’s not true. I am sure that many consider you part of the community.”

“Well, it does not matter because I don’t see myself as part of it. The reason being, I don’t identify with the values of the community any more. So I can’t see myself as being part of it.”

“Hmmm, do you want to be part of it?”

Silence.

I fell in love, I just did

Dearest, I love you not because you are kind or smart. Or sensitive or creative. I love you, I just do. I fell in love in a very illogical/unreasonable way, I just did, and the reasons revealed themselves later. I do think that the reasons make you seem like a smart, kind, good guy. Perhaps you are one. Or not. It does not seem to matter.

I fell in love in a way that is silly to explain. “I love you because…. because… because.” It is stupid, it really is! I fell in love, and it just happened on its own. If I had a list of qualities I was checking off, then I’d probably not have picked you. The truth is that I never had a list. Now that I am truly/madly/deeply in love, I can make a good, solid list. I can share it with young lovers.

“Make sure he is kind. Notice the little things he does. Is he rude to waiters? Is he impatient?” And so on.

Was I checking mentally as we went through the motions of love-courtship-romance? Perhaps, a silent corner of my heart kept relaying “good, good” to me all the time. No alarm bells rang, no red flags popped up. And I was satisfied.

I fell in love so simply, I just did. I put all mental math out of the equation. I fell in love, then made up the reasons afterward. And you know what? I bet you did the same. And of course, I wanted to let everyone know that I am a smart cookie, and I picked well. Even in love, I am smart! Not reckless or foolish! But that’s all hindsight, 20/20, etc. In reality, love or attraction made all the choices. My intellect took a backseat. It observed silently, putting in a word every now and then, but not much.

Darling, it is my love that made you the perfect guy. It’s my love that elevated you, made you smart and kind and special and intelligent and sensitive.