I died instantly.
It is a bit difficult to describe but I will try my best to explain how it felt.
It felt like a release, no doubt but of a very different nature. Like when you’ve been struggling to get out of this real tight dress and then it comes off in one rapid movement. Something like that… My body or whatever I thought was my body felt weightless, I felt like I was a feather that floated towards the ceiling.
As I moved upward, I reflected: it felt as if I was walking with shackles on my feet all these years, that was the kind of lightness and freedom I experienced. Then I started feeling very expansive, very generous, very happy. Like I was once and for all, completely free… no obligations, no attachments, not even a body! It was like an out-of-body experience… well, that’s what it was!
Then I looked around and saw Pinch staring at me. Or what remained of me. I was lying motionless on the dark green sofa that we had purchased during Diwali. I had never realised, when I was alive, how rich it looked. The dark colors appeared gorgeous and the cushions were resplendent. Pinch looked as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. I looked at myself and for the first time acknowledged that I was not such a bad looker, after all. My skin had this strange lustre, some kind of a swan-song quality to it and my hair looked rich and silky. There was this slightly expectant smile playing on my lips and if I didn’t know better, I would have expected myself to stretch luxuriantly, yawn and open my eyes. But I DID know better. I was gone. Forever? I did not know.
I was gone and then it struck me… How much I would miss Pinch. Then it struck me that I had not visited Bombay in 2 years nearly and now I wouldn’t be visiting her for a long time. And then I realised that my parents had lost their daughter. They would mourn my loss, oh I would mourn their loss more than I could ever mourn my own loss. For I was free, truly and totally free… But the people who loved me the most in this lifetime would miss me, cry over my young life, mourn my passing… and I would cry over their loss for I still loved them. More so in death than I ever did in my 26 years of life…
The tears flowed, steadily and silently.
A piece of fiction, nothing more…Pray do not read between the lines for this is just an outpouring of words. With Gurudev in my heart, I have scant to fear…:-)
nithya says:
everything alright??
it doesnt look like it.. take care
June 7, 2005 — 2:40 pm
Lakshmi says:
Thanks for the concern, Nithya.. Everything is perfect…:-)
The subject of my post is not reflective of my state of mind, babe… I am fine.
June 7, 2005 — 2:43 pm
nithya says:
no .. this write up was something that i have felt many a time..
and that feeling has usually come in whenever i have been depressed..
thats why i was a little worried.. but since you are cool its good
June 8, 2005 — 7:22 am
Lakshmi says:
Strangely enough, I wrote this in a totally normal and peaceful mood…. Like I would write any other post. Morbid????
June 8, 2005 — 9:09 am
Lakshmi says:
Oh no, this was something I’d been wanting to write about just b’coz the words seem to spring up within and I found myself able to describe or fabricate the entire experience… Carpe diem… Write when you can! Who knows when the muse will visit again…:-)
June 7, 2005 — 7:45 pm
deelight says:
So were you levitating?
June 7, 2005 — 10:47 pm
Lakshmi says:
Au contraire… was sitting in an office cubicle and typing it as fast as the words came up! This is a totally fictitious experience, Dee… a figment of my imagination. There is nothing real about it.
June 8, 2005 — 9:10 am
vasanth says:
very strangely i am not the only one that thinks such i guess.
And it is so specific to a situation right now.
Well written post. helps one ruminate.
June 8, 2005 — 4:54 am
Lakshmi says:
Shukran…:-)
June 8, 2005 — 9:10 am
rileen says:
Interesting 🙂
June 8, 2005 — 6:58 am
Lakshmi says:
Isn’t it?
I thought so too…:-)
June 8, 2005 — 9:11 am
lalunadiosa says:
Strangely I do not find it morbid at all!!!!
Sounds like you had a liberating experience in fact that you manifested as an out-of-the-body experience!!!!
June 8, 2005 — 9:36 am
Lakshmi says:
Was just a creative experience, after all!
June 9, 2005 — 10:11 am