Every once in a while, I get the feeling that I may be a bit of a misfit, as far as being a woman is concerned.
For one, I don’t have a strong connection with my physical body. Not that I have a problematic relationship with it; au contraire, I share a warm, friendly bond with my body. But it has never been a defining aspect of my identity, neither has it taken up much space in my mind/life. Then there is the total lack of interest in female rituals and kinships and sisterhoods. Add to the fact that I have always seen myself as “girl,” not “woman…” you get my drift?
I have been long following the work and writing of women who talk of reclaiming the body and its fullness, women who talk about their manifest experience as being inextricably tied to their femininity/femaleness, women who are owning more and more of their physical space with their female bodies and feeling pride and joy in all that that endeavor entails.
I wear my female identity v-e-r-y l-o-o-s-e-l-y, and I have (kinda) strived to make it a “tighter” experience. It’s rather funny, honestly… and my husband has guffawed plenty at my half-hearted attempts to “be more female.” I suppose there is a part of me that envies the wholeness of these women (or the conviction of their projections, maybe?) because I have NEVER been this convinced about anything, least of all my gender identity. And you know, all that passion is powerful and compelling. I imagine it must be awesome to feel such passionate, clear knowing course through your veins and vessels and channels.
That has never been my experience, no matter how hard I have tried to understand and/or imagine it.
Ahh, well.
And then I had a teeny tiny glimmer of insight last week.
All that I have read and heard from these women is contextualized entirely by who they are. Meaning, there is nothing objective about any of it. It’s fully held and circumscribed within the boundaries of their ego identities. Small wonder that it means nothing to me! Because that experience is wholly their own… For me to expect that I must “strive” to gain a similar realization or experience is so foolish! One cannot work towards gaining these experiences. My identity is entirely separate, and it has conjured its unique set of experiences. Yes, there may be a few (or more) similarities or there may be none. But there is very little I can do about lack of resonance.
Phew, such a relief.
What this means is, I do not need to try and understand their experiences, much less recreate or imagine it for myself. I can simply regard them as personal stories.
Because if there isn’t a trace of those ideas in me, I couldn’t have had them experiences anyway.
DD says:
L, I can relate to this a lot. Starting from being a forever-11 year old in my mind to my husband making fun of my rare half-assed attempts to be more-lady like. I also perceive my physical body from an OBE angle, if I ever find time to pay it any attention that is. Hovering over but disconnected from it and reflecting something along the lines like, “hmmm….not too bad for such an ultra low maintenance, high metabolism engine, wonder how much longer this carefree maintenance period will last with this body,” LOL.
Your last part, the insight you got – it is a compelling analysis you have put forth. I have never searched for it (why-a-misfit-question) to be found. I was/am comfortably clueless in my ‘difference’ or ‘am indifferent to it. I immediately tune out when women (I respect otherwise) start talking about taking control of their body and their female self and skip to the part where they explain more interesting topics like how they made two (book) cases out of an IKEA one nightstand. If I ever get an urge to scratch that why-a-misfit itch, I will refer to this post of yours, yours is a thought-provoking observation. Best, -DD
August 11, 2021 — 4:25 pm
Lakshmi says:
Chechi, you lurker! 🙂 TBH, I don’t much care for making book cases either, ha.
August 11, 2021 — 6:31 pm