One of my nieces is a high-school teacher. She was asked by a student, “Do you have a favorite student?” She responded, “Do you have a favorite teacher?” Her point was, yes, of course. She had some students who were absolute darlings, and then there were others that she wished would stay home more often. But as a teacher, she was clear that her personal feelings about the students were separate from how she treated and evaluated them.
Perhaps it is the same for a parent?
As an adult, I often reflect on my own childhood. It was perfect. Or was it? Well, what is perfect? Perfect does not exist. We are groomed to put a positive spin on every experience. Perhaps it is a technique to stave off pain, to prevent an emotional setback. So we layer the prettiest colors over all our experiences, refusing to see the blacks and dark greys underneath.
Who’d relish knowing that perhaps, they were the less favorite (or less favored) child?
I think each parent relates to each of their offspring in a different way. Maybe you share a passion with one of your children. Or maybe both of you have similar aspirations. And then it could be that you share nothing in common with the other child. Or maybe s/he is so similar to you that it becomes a bit of an irritant, a sad reminder of some sort. Perhaps you have a dream that one of them looks poised to fulfill. Perhaps there is a natural reserve in one of the relationships that simply cannot be overcome, despite your best intentions. Maybe one of the children is a natural attention magnet, and all of it flows in their direction.
After all, parents are human too.
I know it is common to evoke compassion at this point. To encourage adult children to forgive and forget, to focus on the present, to let go.
Perhaps these actions, if undertaken in a spirit of sincerity and empathy, serve their purpose. Perhaps they bring closure and peace. Or maybe they take a lot of effort and energy, and you end up empty-handed, right where you started.
I think truthfulness can help. By not pretending, not hiding ugly emotions behind positive affirmations, by not prettifying unpleasantness… we may hope to gain closure. It sometimes feels long and arduous, but it will ultimately heal hearts and minds, I think.
Lori says:
This is such an interesting perspective: should we just observe the negative instead of processing it and turning it into something positive? I think it is hard to stay neutral (which would probably be ideal) when something bad has happened to you, so if you have to choose between letting it impact you in a negative way and fill you with unpleasant thoughts and emotions, it’s probably okay to want to make it better for yourself. Because if there is no light at the end, who would want to face their negative experiences? Wouldn’t we all be better off with our heads in the sand? (my personal favorite). I don’t know. I think, for me, a cold, hard reality is not a fact—I believe everything is in our heads, so we can manipulate it however. Or maybe I just can’t handle the truth! ?
April 27, 2017 — 6:10 pm
Lakshmi says:
It is hard to remain neutral, I certainly agree. There is such a temptation for the mind to seize at something positive, uplifting… to stave off the pain, if only temporarily. Observing the emotions make their way through the system is a practice. I feel that it’s about rising beyond the positive and the negative, about learning to witness the drama of emotions.
I wrote about this elsewhere – http://myyogascene.com/embracing-grief-plate-of-nachos/.
Thanks for visiting my little space on the Net, Lori. 🙂
April 27, 2017 — 7:07 pm