The Rich Vegetarian

An Examined Life

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Tag: love (page 1 of 6)

I fell in love, I just did

Dearest, I love you not because you are kind or smart. Or sensitive or creative. I love you, I just do. I fell in love in a very illogical/unreasonable way, I just did, and the reasons revealed themselves later. I do think that the reasons make you seem like a smart, kind, good guy. Perhaps you are one. Or not. It does not seem to matter.

I fell in love in a way that is silly to explain. “I love you because…. because… because.” It is stupid, it really is! I fell in love, and it just happened on its own. If I had a list of qualities I was checking off, then I’d probably not have picked you. The truth is that I never had a list. Now that I am truly/madly/deeply in love, I can make a good, solid list. I can share it with young lovers.

“Make sure he is kind. Notice the little things he does. Is he rude to waiters? Is he impatient?” And so on.

Was I checking mentally as we went through the motions of love-courtship-romance? Perhaps, a silent corner of my heart kept relaying “good, good” to me all the time. No alarm bells rang, no red flags popped up. And I was satisfied.

I fell in love so simply, I just did. I put all mental math out of the equation. I fell in love, then made up the reasons afterward. And you know what? I bet you did the same. And of course, I wanted to let everyone know that I am a smart cookie, and I picked well. Even in love, I am smart! Not reckless or foolish! But that’s all hindsight, 20/20, etc. In reality, love or attraction made all the choices. My intellect took a backseat. It observed silently, putting in a word every now and then, but not much.

Darling, it is my love that made you the perfect guy. It’s my love that elevated you, made you smart and kind and special and intelligent and sensitive.

For my Wise, Young, Beautiful Cousin who Loves the Woods

She was happy to leave New York (does that happen to anyone at all?)
she loves animals
and mountains
And the land her father grew up on
where she tramped days as a child
quiet and alone and tanned
tall trees laden with jack fruit and cashews and peppercorns and mangoes
dark homes with cool floors and pillars
she left the noise and dust of our home in Mumbai
went North
found a hillside town
(I thought it romantic)
she worked long and hard
made a name for herself, met friendly folks and ate homely dinners
met dynamic men, fiery and passionate
loved, lived, left

came back to Colorado, the hills beckoned again
friendliness, passion, compassion and desire
to learn and grow
and preserve and protect
to drink in the beauty
sip away the sunrise

and tramp all over the hills again

finally to gaze at the land her father built a home on.

 

A Ripe Love

It was a love like none other I had ever experienced.

It began with stories of love itself, longing embedded within. Longing for a sense of purpose, a deeper meaning to life, direction. Stories of intense sorrow and pain, alleviated by a look, a touch, a word. Stories of miracles, large and small, inexplicable phenomena, familiar figures, comforting and loving. Stories of death averted, life transformed, birth and rebirth.

I longed for a story myself. I thought that if I wanted it bad enough, it would happen to me.

Did it? Perhaps it did.

Finally the day came, and I had the opportunity for a meeting. It left me miserable. All those beautiful stories dissolved into nothingness. There was no chemistry, no meeting of eyes, no significant glances or words.

Wasn’t I worthy enough? Why others, why not me?

I languished in self-inflicted misery a short while, then resolved I’d do better. I’d prove my mettle. I wouldn’t give up. I’d stick to my promise. I’d prove my love, devotion and sincerity.

I wish I could tell you that it worked. It really didn’t. I tried, then tried again. Finally I mustered up the courage to ask a question, hoping for a life-transforming answer, the word of God, just for me. Sure enough, the answer came but I was unimpressed. It did nothing for me! Was this a joke? Were all the stories mere fabrication? Was I missing something? Was I a fool?

Give me full marks for persistence because I did persist. I stuck along, confident that things would change. I would be deemed worthy to join the ranks of those who got special time. I would be soon sharing my own stories of miracles and supernatural phenomena.

And thus the saga continued. On and on, year after year.

I dropped my hankerings eventually. It was too darned exhausting. My fevered cravings morphed into a resigned acceptance. I started to experience a sweet kind of love, a puppy-like devotion and adoration. Somehow it seemed enough because my life actually felt sweeter, more melodious. There was a sense of dynamism, purpose and meaning. I was going somewhere, maybe not where I’d imagined. But somewhere… No, I wasn’t among the elite few who exchanged knowing glances and shared secret stories. But I was there, trudging along amid the masses, occasionally feeling both lost and found.

Then one day, it all began to change. The flavor of my love changed. It felt like it’d matured, gained in ripeness and understanding. Looks didn’t matter any more, neither did glances or words. Distance ceased to make a difference. Physical presence felt unimportant.

What was happening to me? Had I gotten completely lost? Where had I landed up? Why was I alone? Where were the elite, special ones?

I wondered long and hard. About what I’d lost, what I’d given up, if I had gained anything in the process.

The Sun needs no illumination. It is self-illumined. Perhaps I had become the Sun? Or a sun?

For years, I had watched from a distance, learning and growing. Over time, my inner wanderings finally led me to an orbit of my own, far away from the teeming masses, large and small planets, shining stars and dust. Finally I was on my own, lit from within, growing in light, brilliance and confidence.

Perhaps he would be proud of me today.

(Thank you, Gurudev, for setting this heart ablaze.)