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Tag: desire (page 1 of 1)

A State of Wanting

Windows Blinds

To be in a state of wanting (not want) is so awful.

It may not even be that your friend has adorable children, unbelievably adorable pets. (And you don’t.) Or that your ex-colleague has a gorgeous home. (And you don’t.) Or that your cousin has an extraordinary garden. (And yours is struggling, a true “work in progress.”) Or that your neighbor seems to vacation in the coolest places.

No, none of those “material” goods and pleasures.

It may be that your schoolmate is so incredibly self-assured. (And you aren’t). Or that your sister is literally oozing with creativity; she seems to move from one creative project to another effortlessly, producing incredible works of art! Or that your friend is so articulate… you are in awe of his ability to string deep, profound meaning from simple words. Or maybe it’s a distant cousin who has gone through deep shit in her life, and come out smelling of roses.

Not exactly “material” goods these but oh, you wish you had all of that! Creativity, courage, self-assurance, articulative ability, clarity… and so on.

That gap between what you have and what you think they do is so deep and vast; you are never going to make it across. You feel that you will be left wanting all your life. You are never going to develop those reserves of courage and resilience that emerge only after a crisis. (And you are no Macho Man, you have little appetite for a crisis of any kind.) You know that creativity is God-given, and if you have shown no signs of it thus far, you know that it isn’t going to emerge one fine day, all of a sudden. As for self-assurance, how ON EARTH does one cultivate that?

And then, you are asked to feel gratitude, be grateful… for all that you have. Ugh. You feel like a fraud, mouthing “thanks” when all you feel is this acute sense of wanting inside.

That feeling of wanting is NOT solidified magma, or a deep, impassable gap. In fact, it can go away pretty quick. Not that you will start painting like a Georgia O’Keeffe, or write like a Zadie Smith, or develop incredible courage… None of that. In fact, you see that the disappearing of the sense of wanting has little to do with gaining any of that which you sorely desire. That wanting shows up one day, goes away the next… perhaps reappears around New Years Eve, lingers on in January, then goes away in Feb.

It comes and goes. So you can create art (or not), grow a struggling garden (or not), go skydiving (or not), learn Japanese (or not)… none of that matters. So, rest easy.

Worlds of Desire

Had an interesting realization yesterday…

When we have an ardent desire for a thing (e.g. chai, falooda, chocolate torte, shoes, partner, pet, child), it makes for a bit (or a lot) of drama. Wanting something so bad, feeling like it’s out of reach, dreaming of the day you obtain it, imagining that you have it… and so on. These scenarios can be powerfully evocative, and depending on how intensely you want the thing, there can be a lot of energy fueling these dream sequences. What the energy does is keep the state of desire well and alive. Once the object of desire is gained, that state comes to an end, and the dream sequences are concluded. Perhaps the mind knows that when the desire is fulfilled, it may be a bit of an anticlimax. You’d rather dream about going to Paris than realize, when you get there, that Paris is prettier in the movies. Or that the pink rose falooda is too sweet to handle. Or that your dream partner is a bit of a loser. Or maybe not a loser… but he is no Ryan Gosling, or a Ranvir Singh.

Perhaps, we are invested in keeping the state of desire well and alive… as a kind of insurance against the disappointment that may pop up when the desire is fulfilled.

So, if you really want something badly, stop desiring it! This will take away the energy that keeps the state of desire alive. Or else, you can simply let it be… Most worlds of desire will crash or diminish eventually, and you can enjoy the drama while it lasts. In that case, you may not even care much if/when the desire is fulfilled.

A desire for a warm chocolate croissant is as delicious as a warm chocolate croissant.

Desire for Offspring

PonderingAs a child, I always imagined that I’d grow up to have a family of four myself.

I regarded our family as a perfect foursome. We shared secrets (at least I did, with Mummy), indulged in spirited discussions on almost every topic under the sun (“Really, apart from breasts and penis, what is the difference between men and women?” Ahhh, the earnestness. I am sure my sage Mom gave nothing away), went to concerts and dance performances and movies and restaurants, and so on.

I thought, clearly this is the perfect template for a happy family. Yes, I would have two children as well.

Then came adolescence, teens, glowing youth. Along came a guy, all thick eyebrows and dark eyes and intense expressions. I promptly fell in love. The years that followed were filled with happy adventures and philosophical discussions as we eagerly tried to understand each other, savoring the new relationship. I wasn’t thinking of marriage at all but time passed soon enough… and marriage happened. The boyfriend became a husband. Then came the honeymoon phase, as I tried to wrap my head around the new role I was playing. Everything felt new, exciting and fresh.

The beginning of marriage also coincided with my introduction of meditation and spirituality. That was a whole new adventure in itself (that continues to date), bringing me so many gifts — friends, fun, awareness, clarity, confidence.

No thoughts of children arose. As the years passed by, I turned my mind to the question. Thought back to the sepia-toned picture I carried in my mind through childhood — me, the husband, two children.

Nothing about that picture seemed relevant any more. I realized that I had no desire for offspring at all. As a child, I had effortlessly internalized the “happy-family-of-four” dream but as an adult, seemingly more self-aware and mature, I let go of that dream. In fact, it simply vaporized. It had no legs at all. It was empty.

I know a few women who say that they ALWAYS knew about their desire to have children. As they became adults and found fitting partners, they promptly acted on that desire. I am incredibly thankful that I recognized my lack of desire, and acted on it.

(Human beings have a strong survival instinct. My uninitiated opinion is that the desire for sex as well as the desire for children function as means to fulfill that instinct. Perhaps an evolutionary biologist might know more. We are well aware that our life span is limited. Producing offspring is how we stave off the threat of death and subsequent extinction. Now, everyone knows that humans are in no danger of extinction, so we have no real reason to procreate. Except that old desires die hard, so we continue to birth and raise and nurture children. Ahh, well.)